Brain: You’re a horrible, worthless, garbage person, and your life is going nowhere but to hell.
Me: I don’t know what the fuck you expect me to do about that at 11PM, my dude.
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- me before showering: i don’t want to shower
- me once in the shower: i live here now
i was waiting on the pizza delivery guy to call me to say my pizza is here and when my phone rang i accidentally answered with “Pizza?” instead of hello and he replied “yes this is pizza”